Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.