Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.