Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in