Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!