you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
sliding into dms like
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.