when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.