It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You Might Also Like
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?