Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.