horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes