Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.