you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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These aliens are taking forever.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”