What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”