It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
You Might Also Like
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
You can’t outrun your problems…
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
spicy snake
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.