*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Watermelon Boss!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.