shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
This is hilarious….
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche