Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
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My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.