You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
the way this pissed me off… 😭
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Hello Twits.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I can’t stop laughing at this
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”