Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
You Might Also Like
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.