Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
You Might Also Like
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what