Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
You Might Also Like
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?