Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Meeeee too!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Husband of the year 😂
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms