Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
You Might Also Like
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.