You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
it is time once again
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Risking my life for fun.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Teach your children to beatbox
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.