Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
based al yankovic
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Plant care tips
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Writing, She Murdered.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.