*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Said the murderer.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them