You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
any last words?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.