“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.