Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.