I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.