Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
anyone else like Italian cereal
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Sounds about right! 💯
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Human are so complicated
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.