Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
You Might Also Like
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.