We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”