When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
When the stylist spins you back around
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
how long have you had this for?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”