I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.