Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.