I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?