I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF