My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
These are my roll models.