I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Name this drama.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Go hard or stay average
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT