octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?