Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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Google reviews are always so mixed..
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
PLOT TWIST:
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up