God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
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Straight people are cancelled
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.