Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
pat pat
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*frowns in Scottish*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I wish this was real life…
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“