[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Beware…..
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.