Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*