i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
This is my bus stop.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
calling in to work dehydrated
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.