protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it