I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
kevin is now a local weatherman
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.