Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Just how popey was the pope today?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you