Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
You Might Also Like
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
At least try to make it slightly believable
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Coffee for people with no kids
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)