DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!